The Gifts... Part I

"I didn't recognize you without the handcuffs." -- RENT

Yes, that was me. When I was 15 years old, I received two very special gifts, my first whip, and my first set of cuffs.

Karl gave me the cuffs, at least I think they were from him. Many of the guys begged me to take theirs, but I liked Karl, so I took his. They weren't real cuffs, but they weren't the silly ones with fur. These were modified cuffs, modified just for me. You see, the safety switch on the side was filed down, almost flush with the edge of the shackle. With that little modification it was hard to tell that they weren't military or police issued. I wore the handcuffs on my right wrist. Occasionally, they would get in the way during drafting class or welding, or electric shop, so I had to put them on the front loops of my Levi jeans, just off to the right side.

Steve gave me the bull whip. It was beautiful. The whip was used, but lovingly cared for. The grip was wood and flawless. As a matter of fact the handle showed almost no ware compared to the brown, braided, 8 foot-thong. When I received the whip, the cracker was very warn. I told myself I would replace it, but I never did.

As I recall, Steve wanted to make sure I had a whip with a wooden handle, so that I could "mark it off" as one would a bed post. I never did such a thing. More often than not I could be seen wearing the whip. I would wrap it several times around my waist. I had a 24 inch waist at the time, so a good portion of the whip would still hang down my thigh. When I walked, the wooden handle would hit my thigh... ahh I remember it soooo well.

As I think back, the interesting thing was I had not slept with either of these young men-- as one may think when reading this.

These gifts were not just about my sexuality. They were about who I was and I how I was perceived by my friends. I had a fascination with control. I wanted it all-- like a perfect dominatrix, and then other times I wanted to be totally submissive.

This was true in every aspect of my life--- my sexuality was just starting to develop-- but the gifts were just outward symbols of the power struggle that went on inside of me as a teenager. Funny, today I still struggle with my place. How much control? Total? None at all? In between is still the hardest for me.

I remember being a very intimidating figure in the halls of my high school because of this apparel. Leather jacket, thigh high black suede boots, Levi jeans, a whip and hand cuffs. Today, you couldn't walk into a school dressed like that.

I remember my sheet metal shop teacher looking at the boys (who ran away from me)and saying "In 20 years, you'll wish for a girl like Mouse.

So here we are 20-some years later. The handcuffs are hanging from a reading lamp in the living room. The high-schoolers' needed them for a prop. I was the only one who had some with out fur. The kids thought they were real, because they didn't see the quick release lever.

The whip... ahhh... the whip is a whole other story.