The X Factor

My dear blog friend Mom the Minx, asked some very interesting questions about past relationships. It got me to thinking.

The X factor
Do you still talk to your x?
Do you still consider yourselves friends?
Would you come to their rescue?
Would they come to yours?

Loaded questions.
I guess the first thing I have to ask is what constitutes and ex?

Were we married?
Engaged?
Fuck Buddies?
Friends with benefits?
Dating?
One night stand?
A kiss?
A wish?

Because there are so many levels to relationships, if I am to be totally honest with myself it depends on the level of commitment, not the level of attraction.
As I ask myself this question I can honestly say, I looked over the list. If it is either of the top two, just forget it--- I'm not going there with them again!

I am not friends with my ex-husband (s), nor am I friends with any man who has given me ring and I actually said yes.

I could still talk with these people. I could imagine running into them and having a conversation. But when I think about “those” people, truth be told, the longer we were together as a couple, the less I liked them, period.
The more I found out about these men, the less I wanted to be friends with them in general.

No really bad break-ups, not for me anyway. I just didn’t like them any more--- grew out of the relationships. Reasons? Hmmm.

Various.
Drinking (them, not me)
Cheating (me, not them)
I didn’t want to be someone’s mom or bank account or excuse.
Yep, that's about right


Then we move down the list.

There some friends I have, that in our younger days, we took our relationships into a different direction.
Yes, today, even though we have been more than friends in the past, today I would die for these guys. Not because we slept together. I almost think doing that just kind of confirmed that we were not ment to be a couple. It is that we are friends. There are only a few people I feel this way about (male or female) But yes, some of those friends were more than that for a brief time.

We don’t talk about those moments. And most people who love us are mature enough and smart enough to know not to ask. That is one of the great things about being all grown up, you don’t so much worry about how the person has gotten to you—you are just glad they did.


Which brings me to the last few… the wishes and the kisses. These are the hardest for me.

There are not many of these in my life. Very few as a matter of fact. But these are the ones that still haunt me. These are the guys who make me dream that I am more than I am.

These men are my deep hidden and forbidden desires. We were friends, maybe lovers, maybe it was one date, or a glance across a room.

These few men stir my soul. These few still make me think what if. They don’t pop into my mind or my life very often....

However,

Every once in a while, there is a dream

Every once in a while there is an email

Every once in a while a friend will say “ I ran into him and he asked how you were”

Every once in a while I come across an old picture, and I’ll linger there.

not friends, not lovers, just memories and dreams