The Gift Part II

I have tried to write this at least a half dozen times
I have been thinking about this for months
Scattered notes are in my journal regarding this
I want to be honest about everything
I want to purge, to confess
I've done nothing wrong-- I feel, I live, I am human
I know those who are mentioned here will never find this post
And if they do, they too would admit it is all true
So please don't judge me too harshly as I share with you the most intimate gift I ever received.

Have you ever seen "Mr. Holland's Opus?" Do you remember Rowena? I have a Rowena in my life. Rowena is my muse. Rowena and I have a connection --- sensual but never sexual. I could tell you how beautiful and inspiring my Rowena is, but it really doesn't matter in the grand scope of things. Everyone has their own Rowena.

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I have been going to The Alley to shop since I was about 15 years old. This was the place before hot topics, before there was emo. This is the place that not many kids dared to go into. This is the place that you could like Metallic or Depec Mode or Motorhead or the Sex Pistols or Romons--- well you get my point! I mean, Hot Topics didn’t even exist back then!

The Alley is a mixture of fashion, music and art-- very emo and dark and just my idea of a good time.

We walked into The Alley as a family. The first thing I noticed, other than the blond androgen being with 50 face piercings, was the shirt that said "I have the pussy so I make the rules". Classic. I would have bought it but I can’t wear it to a school or business meeting or anything--but when I go back... I will buy it!!!

I walked around the store and commented on almost every item. I could buy out the store-- I love it all. The Gothic and suggestive fashions, the body jewelry, the concert tees, the buttons and patches and boots and art---- OH MY GOD!!!! This store is so me, even after 20 years.

Rowena had been staying with us for about 2 1/2 months at this point. Taking him to the Alley was a big deal. This place was really a part of my growing up. It was in the big city, plus, the fact that it was in "boys’ town" let him know we were okay with his sexuality.

My birthday was just around the corner. I have to admit I was excited and disappointed all at the same time. We had arranged an over night stay at one of the local museums with a bunch of young people. Not the way I planned to spend my b-day. I was actually more looking for someone to chaperon me-- but alas it was not to be


As the time approached, our house guest, who was all of 17, got rather-- um well let's just say he smiled a lot. I knew he had something up his sleeve for my birthday. I did question him and he said in no uncertain terms that he had a surprise for me. He wouldn’t t tell me what-- but that it was good. I could tell by his evil grin something was not what it seemed.

The next day, my husband calls and tells me he won’t be home directly after work. He is on a mission for my birthday. I told him it was not necessary to go to any big deal for my birthday.

Our guest has a very specific gift he wants to get you. I told him I would pick it up. Very strange. You see the Hubby always seemed a bit jealous of Rowena, so for him to go out of his was and make a trip to pick up something for him... it was all so odd. The two men sharing secrets about me. I wish I could fully convey to you the feeling that went through me as all this was happening.

I was scared, sacred to think that they would bond together more so that I had bonded with either of them. I was exited, exited to think that they were working together for a common goal. And this was my birthday gift and I do so love to be suprised. But it all seemed too much. The undertone of every conversation oozed with emotion and lust and passion you could feel it we all could feel it and yet we all just giggled about it.

My birthday hit at midnight at the museum. We laughed and joked and my guest informed me my gift would need to wait until we arrived back home. It would be too uncomfortable to give it to me in public.
I knew at that moment what he got me
I knew where my husband went
I was amazed

When we were at the alley, I was admiring the whips. I thought no one noticed. There were several there, whips and riding crops. I was alone in that room-- or so I thought. The young man must have seen my smile as I examined each item. He must have watched how I touched them. Even as I think back to standing there surround by the leather and "gear" I wouldn’t have noticed if a bomb when off. I was in the Alley with the whips and the hand cuffs and I was smiling and warm and in my old world, my own world.

He must have seen me
He must have felt it
I can’t believe he asked my husband to get it for him-- for me
Is he naive?
No he's not
Is my husband that open minded?
He must be



It is sick and twisted and soooo hot to think these men would give me such a gift. The two men I love the most worked together this past year, so I cold receive an incredibly personal gift.

A very special gift from someone who barley knows me, but understands me more that I care to believe.
A gift of understand and respect from my husband, who can accept me for the sensual woman and I am, and allow me to be me.

I haven’t "used" it. But almost every day, once everyone has gone their separate ways I look at, hold it, admire the leather and work on the handle to break it in a bit.

My body burns to think I am this understood.
Most people spend their whole lives hoping some one will "get them"
Many people are never accepted for who they really are
Some people are lucky enough to find one person who understands them
I am lucky enough to have two
And a new whip
And memories to last a lifetime.