there is not way to get drunk enough to kill the pain
and not get sicker than I already am
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
and as we lie there
you say,
i just want you to be happy
you not the first to say it
just this week
so many have asked me
are you
are you happy
what than
what is it
what stirs your soul
and i tell you what it will take
what really makes me happy
others are willing
but it is you I desire
and you ask
if can I can be happy
by just being comfortable
listening to the words
i know you can
i know i can't
and who would had thought
a small bit of pillow talk
could reveal so much
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
As I stood in the vestibule of the Church, one-hundred-and-one things raced through my mind.
I peeked in the door, looked at the pews, and saw they were full.
The day had gone smoothly. It was, as a matter of fact, uneventful.
So much so, there’s not much of anything to remember.
My two best friends were there.
“He is a nice guy” I kept hearing
But in my head, as I stood there in my off-white dress, flowers in hand, I could only think of what had happened six moths prior. The events that brought me 20 feet before the alter.
"The dinner was good. "
"Yeah, it’s a nice place."
The waiter brought two small cordial glass of liquor to the table.
“Oh how nice”, I said out loud
“I don’t drink”, he said
“Ever?” I questions.
“Well not much; and nothing hard.”
The conversation whet on, and I said something about dating, making it clear that this was just a date. Don’t expect anything serious.
“I don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Date”
“Then what is this?” I snickered
“Well, I mean I only date exclusively”
He continued to talk about how dating was just a prelude to marriage. It had no other purpose. He said something about church, I think. He went on. It was the most his mouth was open all night, other than when he was eating that shrimp. It really bothered me, the way he chewed with his mouth open when he ate the seafood… It was animal like… but other than that, nothing about him really bothered me. Nothing about him fazed me one way or another.
He was good looking but not handsome. Mild in appearance with dark hair and blue eyes. Clean cut, with a thick head of hair and warm smile.
As he continued to talk and lecture me on the sins of dating, my mind arrived at the cover of my little black book.
I remember using my almost photographic memory going through the pages as he continued his auditory on the virtues of marriage.
A, B, C… no, no one special….. H… hmmm there is that H, well I haven’t heard from him in a while. Besides, if H calls, I’ll just break up with this guy. It’s easy enough. J, K, L … no. On to NMOPQRS… nothing at all. TUVWXY, There is Z. He is very sweet. But nothing monumental.
As I regained focus, there was a pause from the other side of the table. Crap! What was that he said? Was I suppose to respond?
I did what ever girl is trained from birth to do in this situation. I smiled, nodded and asked him a sports question.
He continued to ramble on. . It was at this moment that I said to myself , well, I don’t have anything better going on, I guess I could date him exclusively.
Oh if I had only known it would come to this.
To the church
The music
The families.
I guess I still had nothing better going on.
And the door opened.
And H walked in.
He wore a dark suit, with a white shirt and thin black tie and a hat… he always wore a hat.
There was a melancholy look on his face and a gift in his hand. My heart jumped as he walked through the door.
Sure I sent him the invitation.
However, I didn’t expect him to attend.
I just wanted to let him know I had given up.
I just wanted him to know I was moving on.
I just wanted him to save me from myself .
There isn’t much in life that I am sure of, but there is one thing I do know --
I know that if he would have asked me to leave with him, I would have gone.
"Hi" was all I could muster.
"Hey" was his response.
He walked in with the swagger of James dean, the smell of Eternity, and the sun on his face. Me? I frozen.
I wanted to faint.
I couldn’t.
I didn’t.
He walked in the church.
Walked away from me.
I stood there, alone again.
I felt more alone then I had ever did in my entire life.
There was a rumble in the crowd.
My friends, my good friends, they saw him. They saw him walk in.
I overheard it, I couldn’t believe it.
“Do you think he’ll object?”
Object?
Could that happen?
Would he do that for me?
The ceremony went on.
On without a hitch.
Not a word was said.
The only words heard were “I do”
I know, if he would have objected,
I know,
I would have run out of the church.
I would have run fast.
I would have been gone.
But, he didn’t say a word.
He didn’t but I did.
I said two words.
"I do"
Did I say them for spite?
No.
Once again, I had nothing better going on.
Looking back,
I should have run anyway.
That was 15 years ago, I never told him
15 years and no one ever knew.
Looking at my life, in many ways, I have become weaker not stronger.
I know the spontaneity of youth has been taken over by the mundane responsibility of adulthood.
I know that if laid a stone at my window, I would not be able to leave.
A part of me will always desire to be with him.
He’ll never appear.
And for the rest of my life, when I think back on that day in June, I wish I would have had the strength---the strength to turn away from the alter.
In my life it is not what I have done that I regret;
I only regret what I have failed to do.
I peeked in the door, looked at the pews, and saw they were full.
The day had gone smoothly. It was, as a matter of fact, uneventful.
So much so, there’s not much of anything to remember.
My two best friends were there.
“He is a nice guy” I kept hearing
But in my head, as I stood there in my off-white dress, flowers in hand, I could only think of what had happened six moths prior. The events that brought me 20 feet before the alter.
"The dinner was good. "
"Yeah, it’s a nice place."
The waiter brought two small cordial glass of liquor to the table.
“Oh how nice”, I said out loud
“I don’t drink”, he said
“Ever?” I questions.
“Well not much; and nothing hard.”
The conversation whet on, and I said something about dating, making it clear that this was just a date. Don’t expect anything serious.
“I don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Date”
“Then what is this?” I snickered
“Well, I mean I only date exclusively”
He continued to talk about how dating was just a prelude to marriage. It had no other purpose. He said something about church, I think. He went on. It was the most his mouth was open all night, other than when he was eating that shrimp. It really bothered me, the way he chewed with his mouth open when he ate the seafood… It was animal like… but other than that, nothing about him really bothered me. Nothing about him fazed me one way or another.
He was good looking but not handsome. Mild in appearance with dark hair and blue eyes. Clean cut, with a thick head of hair and warm smile.
As he continued to talk and lecture me on the sins of dating, my mind arrived at the cover of my little black book.
I remember using my almost photographic memory going through the pages as he continued his auditory on the virtues of marriage.
A, B, C… no, no one special….. H… hmmm there is that H, well I haven’t heard from him in a while. Besides, if H calls, I’ll just break up with this guy. It’s easy enough. J, K, L … no. On to NMOPQRS… nothing at all. TUVWXY, There is Z. He is very sweet. But nothing monumental.
As I regained focus, there was a pause from the other side of the table. Crap! What was that he said? Was I suppose to respond?
I did what ever girl is trained from birth to do in this situation. I smiled, nodded and asked him a sports question.
He continued to ramble on. . It was at this moment that I said to myself , well, I don’t have anything better going on, I guess I could date him exclusively.
Oh if I had only known it would come to this.
To the church
The music
The families.
I guess I still had nothing better going on.
And the door opened.
And H walked in.
He wore a dark suit, with a white shirt and thin black tie and a hat… he always wore a hat.
There was a melancholy look on his face and a gift in his hand. My heart jumped as he walked through the door.
Sure I sent him the invitation.
However, I didn’t expect him to attend.
I just wanted to let him know I had given up.
I just wanted him to know I was moving on.
I just wanted him to save me from myself .
There isn’t much in life that I am sure of, but there is one thing I do know --
I know that if he would have asked me to leave with him, I would have gone.
"Hi" was all I could muster.
"Hey" was his response.
He walked in with the swagger of James dean, the smell of Eternity, and the sun on his face. Me? I frozen.
I wanted to faint.
I couldn’t.
I didn’t.
He walked in the church.
Walked away from me.
I stood there, alone again.
I felt more alone then I had ever did in my entire life.
There was a rumble in the crowd.
My friends, my good friends, they saw him. They saw him walk in.
I overheard it, I couldn’t believe it.
“Do you think he’ll object?”
Object?
Could that happen?
Would he do that for me?
The ceremony went on.
On without a hitch.
Not a word was said.
The only words heard were “I do”
I know, if he would have objected,
I know,
I would have run out of the church.
I would have run fast.
I would have been gone.
But, he didn’t say a word.
He didn’t but I did.
I said two words.
"I do"
Did I say them for spite?
No.
Once again, I had nothing better going on.
Looking back,
I should have run anyway.
That was 15 years ago, I never told him
15 years and no one ever knew.
Looking at my life, in many ways, I have become weaker not stronger.
I know the spontaneity of youth has been taken over by the mundane responsibility of adulthood.
I know that if laid a stone at my window, I would not be able to leave.
A part of me will always desire to be with him.
He’ll never appear.
And for the rest of my life, when I think back on that day in June, I wish I would have had the strength---the strength to turn away from the alter.
In my life it is not what I have done that I regret;
I only regret what I have failed to do.
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